My sister put it best, I have a tendency to go after the "bad" boy, hence the reason why I love Chuck Bass and Jacob. Knowing that I tend to develop these crushes on married men or men with girlfriends or even men who in no way shape or form would ever give me the time of day or even guys that I will never see again. I don't know what the appeal is other than if I do this I won't tend to get my heart broken and I don't have to tear down this wall I have built.
What is funny right now in my life my 10 year old son is ready for me to date and I must say I don't think I am on the same page. I know I say I am but I have made a number of mistakes when it has come to guys and I know it is part of "growing up" but I am done with the mistakes. I don't want to put forth the effort to date if it really is not going to go anywhere. I want a dating service that will just do all the leg work for me and I just have to show up. A lot of that is because I work full time and I am a full time parent to my son through out the year.
Of course I don't see myself dating anyone soon because I don't feel as pretty as I once did. I know that most of it is in my head but I have gained a lot of weight and I have never let it go to my head until recently and now I just feel big and I feel like I don't have the self confidence that I once did to obtain a man in my life.
I am reading a friends blog and she is incredibly inspiring and is making me re-evaluate my life and feelings. I know if it is meant to be it will be but I know I can't be sitting back just waiting for it to happen. But again it is the self confidence I once had was gone.
This weekend I developed a crush on a man and I was actually embarrassed to talk to him and I know at one point in my life I would have had more self confidence to talk to him. I did pick up on a few things in our brief conversations and know now that he was married so it never would have worked out anyway but instead of talking to him directly I picked up the conversation he was having with the other guy helping out at the station we were.
I need my self confidence back and maybe this is what I need to get off my behind and start working out to lose the weight so I start to feel better about myself. Even if I don't lose the weight I know I will feel better about myself anyway I just need to start.
I offer my friend lots of words of wisdom however she doesn't know I am a chicken myself and really don't act upon the words I give to her, it is easier to say the words than to act upon them. I am sure she will read this and think I am full of, well you know what, but now maybe I can start to act upon those words as well.
1 comment:
Aaahh I just wanna hug you!! You are so beautiful and always light up a room!! It seems like things get clearer as we write doesn't it? You can take control and so can I. We're gonna have a blast!!
Did you ever hear the story of Jonny Lingo? I have a pretty good book called, "An 8 cow woman deserves an 8 cow man" I'm almost done with it and then I'll pass it to you. It's a quick read and makes complete sense even for those of us who love the wrong guys too deeply.
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